It was my mum and dads wedding anniversary this weekend.
He bought her a card that was pretty gross. It had a picture of a lady on and all the stuff someone would love about her like:
- squishy boobs that make my hands happy (ew!)
- Nice bum
etc
My dad wrote by the Lovely lips that I like to kiss bit, “when they haven’t got a scab on them”
(my mum suffers from cold sores)
He also spelled beautiful wrong (betiful) and my mum wrote her own name on his card (To Debbie)
My dad and his friend used to be members of the Conservative club.
When my dad found out that his friends’ wife voted for Labour, he stole headed paper from the Conservative club and wrote a letter to his friend. The letter said that he needed to stand in front of a panel at the Con club and explain how he “let his wife vote Labour” which contributed to Labour coming into power.
His wife opened the letter and completely freaked out.
I phoned home after my first hypnosis session for a fear of flying.
Me: Hello
Mum: Hello…how….oh…hang on.
*Dad talking in the background*
Mum: Dad wants to know if you’ve still got your knickers on?
….
….
My dad stopped off at Percy Ingle to get his usual bag of Half Nuts (small doughnuts apparently) but was hungry so asked the man for a cheese and bacon pasty. He paid and left but before he got to the car, he realised it was a chicken pasty rather than a cheese and bacon one. So he took it back. When he got back in PI, the last cheese and bacon pasty was being sold to a pensioner.
My dad was now very hungry and when he’s hungry, he’s angry.
Dad: I asked for a cheese and bacon pasty
Server: You asked for a chicken pasty
Dad trying to make his point strong shouted I DONT EAT CHICKEN!! (He does)
Dad then got angry, demanded a refund on the pasty AND the half nuts (??!!) And then said he’d never come back to Percy Ingle.
Watching Big Brother.
Dad: We should audition for this. We could go as Stevanie.
Me: What?
Dad: *laughs* yeah, we could go as Stevanie.
Me: Why would we do that?
Dad: Fine. I’ll go with your mum then. We can go as Stevorah.
Me: Why are you combining our names with yours?
Dad: Because everyone does it.
Me: Who does it?
Dad: People.
Dad gets out of the shower and opens bathroom door a few cms
Dad: NAKED DAD ALERT!! NAKED DAD ALERT!!
Me: okay. My door is shut and I’m in my room.
…
…
Dad: NAKED DAD ALERT! NAKED DAD ALERT!
Me: JUST GO! I can’t see you.
Dad: oh, I thought you were talking to Mum.
Me: Why does mum still get free MOTs but I don’t?
Dad: Because your mum pays me back in sex.
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhh why.
(Nb: my dad is a mechanic and has started saying I have to pay for my MOTs now)
Mum: Do my feet look fat?
Dad: They’ve looked fat since the day I met you. I’ve been keeping that from you.
Mum: No they’re not.
Dad: Deb, your feet are always evolving.
Me: I’m staying at Sam’s tonight x
Dad: Damn! I had chicken gizzards, pig testicles and anus of horse ready for you as a special treat. I’ll save them for you. X
